A long time ago, my mother-in-law told me that she saw life not so much as circles (or ellipses maybe), but as a spiral for ever revolving upon itself, moving along, whether upward, downward or sideways, as you choose. Thus, we revisit events that happened long ago, drawing the fruits from the experiences lived then.
Walking along the beach with the waves and the clouds, I remembered something [Sri Sri] Ravi Shankar told us thirty years ago during a weekend retreat in Delhi. “You choose the experiences in your life.”
At the time, these words had felt liberating: I had not been the victim of events; I had chosen the experiences to learn something from them. Life, after all, is to be, to experience, to receive, to cherish, to let go, to move on…
I feel blessed these days, grateful for all that Godde has given me and keeps giving me, grateful also that I am approaching 70, with Death waiting for me at the end of the journey. This thought of the end of my journey (it might still be twenty years away, I know) fills me with peace.
A peace, strangely enough, that I have already experienced. Nearly fifty years ago, one evening, I felt very depressed and slit my wrists. I was not very good at it and I did not end this ‘me’ which drove me to despaired. I did think I was on my way out, however, and I experienced the most incredible peace. This is the peace which is with me today when I think of the time I will be moving on.
You may find this morbid, but it is not. Especially when I link Ravi Shankar’s words to it. My life is inviting me to revisit major events, both joyful and painful, but especially those which have left bad memories — those wounds, grudges, scars that Life distributes as we move along.
As I walk along the beach and remember events that have left me like a deer caught in headlights, as I remind myself that I chose them, I ask myself the question: What did I learn from them? How would they have impacted me had I been different? What did they help me become?
The woman I am today cry tears with the woman I was then. How hard those days seem! The woman I am today welcomes the woman I was then. I can hug her as long as she needs. I untie the knots in her stomach and her heart. I kiss her bruises. We have so much to tell each other.
I wish I could do cartwheels on the wet sand to thank Life for this life of mine… The waves wash my feet of old anguishes and sadness. Loneliness dissolves in the foam. My soul stands naked in front of the One who creates me moment by moment.
Bless Godde my soul…