This morning as I closed my prayer, some sunlight pierced through the shutter and transported me to the Monastery of Monts-Voirons where I heard myself ask Godde, “What would you like me to do, Godde?”
It was a true question. Is it praying for others, writing a blog, accompanying souls searching for a solution, gardening, just being? There is both pathos and angst in the question. Frittering my life away is a scary thought. I have received so much, how can I respond in kind? Godde always gives me more than I ask for… I cannot say that guilt takes over, but at least I feel a general uneasiness at not being hard at work somewhere helping Godde both being born and creating her Kingdom…
Paul and I met in the kitchen, went through the readings and started sharing what we had seen in today’s passage. “You may not be able to serve the LORD, for he is a holy God” was my favorite part in Joshua (24:14-19). Yes, Godde is so very holy and awesome, how can I hope serving Her?
I listened to Paul talking about life as a pilgrimage and prayer. For once, I listened without interrupting, without telling my own ideas on the topic. In the course of our conversation, however, I suddenly sensed that Godde was with me in the cloud of unknowing. Waiting there is part of my own self-emptying somehow. Godde is with me, — consolation within desolation.
Suddenly, then, my not knowing what Godde wants from me does not matter, because Godde is with me in the waiting, in the not knowing.
Being lost in the cloud of unknowing suddenly is a grace, because Godde is there with me. Not-doing somehow is all I am asked to do for the time being.
In Her name.
Photo: Clouds in viejo San Juan.